Funny Business

Signs of the Times
Public recognition of good works is often slow in coming. And the peace movement has to take its testimonials where it can find them. So it was heartening to see in a recent issue of Peace Conversion Times that anti-nuclear demonstrators in Nevada have apparently made such a nuisance of themselves that the highway department has erected this small monument on their behalf.

Previously, highway travelers in this country could nod with approval only at the "END CONSTRUCTION" signs. Now we have "DEMONSTRATORS ON ROADWAY," and we congratulate the hard-working people who prompted this institutional recognition of their vigilance. (But we remind you that 25 mph is still fast enough for a large truck to blow down your banners and cast askew your signs. So be careful out there.)

Harvard, Still Leading the Way
We've come to expect only the best and wisest from the nation's pre-eminent academic institution, and it is with pride that we acknowledge Harvard University's latest example of impeccable moral leadership. It has just accepted a $15 million grant to study homelessness and other urban problems, and it is wasting no time in using the money to address these critical issues: It has decided to construct a building.

No, no, we understand, we really do. Harvard is looking for concrete ways to address these important concerns, so why not use real concrete? What better place to grapple with the needs of homeless people than in a new conference room: tasteful, modern art on the walls, cushy seats, maybe even some nice plants here and there. Just make sure the steam grates outside are large enough for a family of four. It's so hard to keep warm in the dead of winter on those smaller grates.

And Speaking of Leadership ...
Who would disagree with Rep. Bill Schuette (R-Mich.), when he recently said in a town meeting that constituents should keep their expectations low? After all, he said, "Congress is not the sole suppository of wisdom."

Similarly, Sen. Chic Hecht (R-Nev.), during his unsuccessful re-election campaign last year, made reference to a "nuclear waste suppository."

Now, we checked our dictionary, and we think that they may have meant to use another word. It was probably just a mental slip, and we shouldn't make little jokes about it like, "There's a new product called Preparation H-bomb," or "Pampers that glow in the dark," or perhaps "Flush twice. It's a long way to the Nevada test site." No, that wouldn't be nice.

And Now the News
- Officials at the Army Troop Support Agency in Fort Lee, Virginia, were concerned about the unsafe conditions of an elevator that got stuck between floors. Employees were warned in a memo that the elevator should be used only "for freight and the handicapped."

- In Wayland, Massachusetts, a suspect in a convenience store holdup was permitted his one phone call. Instead of summoning legal help, the suspect called a witness to the robbery and threatened him with physical injury if he testified. "... And don't forget what I told you: You talk to the cops, and you're dog meat. By the way, would you call my lawyer?"

Ed Spivey Jr. is art director of Sojourners.