Funny Business

Go West Young Man (Or Is It East ...?)

A number of our ever-alert readers wrote in last month correcting my reference to Billings, Wyoming (Billings, in point of fact, is in Montana), and they went on to make some pretty derogatory comments about the level of my geographic knowledge.

I would like to point out that my mention of that fine Western town was what we sophisticated, big-city journalists call a "casual" or "secondary" reference, as opposed to a "specific" or "official" reference, the latter of which requires a much higher degree of accuracy. For example, had I written, "The people of Billings, Montana have only recently stopped keeping livestock in their garages," I would have been compelled by strict rules of journalistic style to be completely accurate. Had I, however, written something like, "A 46-year-old Billings [WY] man is still wondering why his new electric razor stopped working after he rinsed out the lather with water," then I would merely have had to establish general locale. I could just as appropriately have written Billings, Iowa, or Billings, South Dakota, or, perhaps, Billings, New Mexico. As long as the reader knew it was "somewhere out West."

I realize some of these more subtle journalistic rules might not be known to many of you (particularly those of you who live out West), so I really don't mind taking the time to explain them.

A Voice From History

This month's "Quote From the Past" comes from our undercover archivist over at the State Department who recently unearthed this gem from then-Deputy Secretary of State Lawrence (Larry) Eagleburger. Speaking on NBC's "Today Show" last May, Mr. Eagleburger gave us a clue as to why Panamanian strong-person Manuel Noriega has become the thing-that-wouldn't-leave, when he said: "I think we know what we know, and for intelligence purposes, that is very useful."

Well said.

The Final Frontier

People who have survived near-death experiences tell us that in their brief glimpse into the life hereafter, they saw long passageways filled with light, and rows and rows of welcoming loved ones (sounds more like Steven Spielberg taking a bus ride, but anyway ...). But if some of you will doubt the existence of heaven (or if, like me, you recently took a beating on this whole Shroud of Turin thing) then the story in the above newsclip should bring strength back to your flagging faith.

Satellite photographs have just come back from deep space showing heaven as a tropical paradise with "crystal streets" and people in "fine clothing," their faces "literally glowing with peace and tranquility." Church leaders across the globe have already begun to incorporate this revelation by changing hymnals to include such new titles as "Jesus Is Tenderly Beaming Me Up," "Onward Christian Astronauts," and "Just a Closer Orbit With Thee."

And Now the News ...

- Last January, a 25-year-old Dallas undercover police officer posing as a high school student was caught showing up late to school. His principal gave him a choice of either a paddling or detention, and the narcotics agent chose the paddling so that he wouldn't be late for a drug buy.

- It was recently revealed that employees at Merrill Lynch's New York City office were so disgusted by poor mailroom service a few years ago that they sent interoffice mail via Federal Express. Memos were being sent from floor to floor by way of Memphis.

And Finally ...

We leave you with the words of comic and affirmative dynamics expert Woody Allen, who said many years ago that if you can't say something positive, say two negatives.

Ed Spivey Jr. is art director of Sojourners.