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Our Guarantee: The following is 100% research-free!

Here, in the barren outback of the magazine, I keep my lonely vigil, the sole occupant of this windswept outpost of humor. Misunderstood, battered from all sides and banished from the front of the fold, I sit alone, waiting for the reader's final, fateful turn of the page. You're getting close to the end now, close to that moment where you either nod off to sleep with your glasses on, or slam the issue down on the coffee table. It has been a long journey through these pages but, lo, you have come to a welcome oasis in the vast Desert of Seriousness (see pages 1-48).

Come then, weary traveler. Rest yourself. Quench your thirst with a glass of soothing pointlessness ...

And Now The News ...

The United Nations declared 1993 as the "Year of Indigenous People," which is admirable and worthy of support and all that. But we're especially happy to announce that, after decades of neglect, a very special group of people is being honored in 1994, the just-announced "Year of the White Male." These deserving folks have long been overlooked by the U.N. committee that annually selects a worthy group, and then sends out lots of press releases that nobody reads (and a nice poster).

Among the many international events planned for next year's theme are:

· a Super Bowl halftime extravaganza titled "White Men Can't Jump, But They Make Great Accountants,"

· a tour of Al's World of Buicks in downtown Trenton, New Jersey,

· a "Golfing for Global Understanding" charity tournament,

· mercy flights of remote-controlled televisions to developing nations, and

· performances of the specially commissioned theme song: "Momma, Don't Let Your Boys Grow Up to Be Middle Managers."

Outgoing president George Bush was strongly criticized for his 11th-hour pardoning of former Defense Secretary Casper Weinberger. But, in a case that goes far beyond the abuses of Iran-Contra, sources inside the White House have just revealed that Bush also pardoned the guy who substitutes Folgers Crystals for regular brewed coffee at restaurants.

But enough of this talk about governmental corruption. We know what you really want to talk about, what keeps you tossing restlessly in your beds at night ... the throne of England.

Admit it. You're worried about who will one day head Britain's Royal Dysfunctional Family. And your fears are not eased by the daily revelations that those in line for the throne are losing interest in it. Prince Charles has given up his birthright. Princess Di doesn't want it, nor does Charles' brother Edward. It's getting so bad that if just two more royals turn down the title, Speaker of the House Thomas Foley will be next in line.

Republican Senator Strom Thurmond spoke strongly against the Clinton administration proposals for opening the armed services to gays. At a recent hearing, Sen. Thurmond loudly declared, "Ahh yam completely against the proposal to permit gays in the lavoratory." Aides whispered quickly to the 90-year-old, eight-term senator that, perhaps, he meant to say "military." "Ahh yam completely against that, too," he said.

(Note: The previous item has not been confirmed and may not, in fact, have occurred. We were going to verify it but that would have violated our "100% Research-Free" guarantee.)

Personal sharing is big with us Sojourners types. Admit it. You'd rather do small group than eat, right? Well, since other parts of the magazine have them, "H'rumphs" can also have ...

Study Questions

· Why does Strom Thurmond talk so slowly? You'd think at his age he would try to get more words in. It's not like he's got all day. Discuss.

· What would be the pastorally sensitive way to say to the wealthy and mainly ceremonial Prince Charles, "Get a life!"

· We're moved in to our new office, but I'm still missing one of my boxes. Do you think it might be in the basement? Discuss.

· Define pointlessness.

· Go home, for gosh sakes.

Ed Spivey Jr. is art director of Sojourners.