U.S. Anti-immigration Law Sparks International Exodus

By Ike Arumba 04-01-2010

A legislative victory by opponents of immigration has had the unintended consequence of forcing the deportation of almost every U.S. citizen to their country of ancestral origin. Capitalizing on xenophobic hysteria, the vaguely worded law stated: "Whereas people come here and don't speak the language and take all the jobs, all immigrants and all of their families that weren't here to begin with hereby have to leave right now."

Within hours of the law's passage under a poorly understood parliamentary procedure used by both Republicans and Democrats to get their way on controversial measures in the past, most legislators found themselves facing immediate deportation. Given the legislation's failure to specify the time frame for the immigration it retroactively banned, and combined with its broad reference to "all of their families," the Supreme Court ruled that the expulsion applied to all living decendents of any immigrant at any time. All Supreme Court justices were then promptly deported as well.

Tom Cole of Oklahoma's 4th district and a member of the Chickasaw Nation, was the only Native American serving in the United States Congress at the time of the vote and has retained his office. The vast majority of African Americans were also exempt from the law, as they were not descended from immigrants, strictly speaking. They will, however, be required to learn the Native American language appropriate for their region of the country.

Mexican-American residents of Texas and the southwestern U.S. are appealing their deportation orders on the grounds that because that part of the country belonged to Mexico before it was annexed during the Mexican-American War, many of their ancestors already lived there, and hence did not immigrate. However, the strictest legal interpretation of the law would force anyone not of Aztec descent present after 1492 to sail the ocean blue on back to Spain.

Even more radical activists asserting the sole original residential rights of rocks, trees, and grass are advocating the rebuilding of the Bering Land Bridge between Alaska and Siberia to facilitate the repatriation of ancient Asian people groups thought to have migrated across it to the North American continent approximately 16,500 years ago.

Meanwhile, in Europe, sprawling refugee camps are struggling to house the millions of European-descended Americans now returning to their countries of ancestral origin. Language barriers in continental Europe are proving especially difficult for the newly arrived "Bud Lighters," as they're derisively called after their favorite beer in which to drown their sorrows--sometimes shortened to "B'lighters" as an anti-refugee slur. Finding employment is particularly trying, leaving available only the dirtiest and smelliest jobs that Europeans just don't want to do.

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