When Being a Woman Comes at a Cost

So, it happened again. Every “chocolate” person here (as Dr. Cornel West calls us) knows that moment when you look around and realize you are the only dark-skinned person in the room, other than the “help.” And every woman here knows that moment when you realize how few women are at the leadership table and of those present, how many of them have one particular thing in common.

It was one of those moments, a gathering of leaders engaged in community development. A quick glance revealed an all too common truth: every one of the five men were married with kids and all three of us women were single and had no children. Why is this the picture at so many gatherings of leaders, especially in Christian circles? Why do I find myself in this situation again and again?

Often I wonder, what is it about me that puts me at the table? I love my x chromosomes and femininity; being a woman is an amazing thing! But in these circles, they seem to come with a cost. No, I’ve not been barred from sitting at the leadership table, but am I only here because I don’t have two other things I longed for – a husband/partner to share life with and children to love and care for and call my own.

I’m supposed to be sharing a story of implicit bias and gender, but I don’t have just one good story. Rather a thousand times I’ve been made to wonder why being a woman in Christian circles that value justice and reconciliation often comes with such a costly price that my male co-leaders don’t have to pay (or even think about). Why are we forced to ask these questions, when it seems that men can be at the table so freely, as if it’s expected, almost owed to them?

Why do married women and women with children have to agonize about living fully into their gifts of leadership, and do so with sacrifice, while married men with children, usually don’t? Men can have a family (with a supportive spouse at home to help) and maintain the rigors called forth for their organizational leadership, while women in the same position are constantly having to choose between competing priorities and values. What will it take to change things?

I know God works all things together for good, even my singleness and no-child existence. But I wonder sometimes if female leadership is something that can only be present as it’s worked together for good, counting the costs and obstacles, OR if it can ever be the accepted reality as just being good, not having to be worked together?

And then there’s when church leaders (i.e. all male elders) don’t even realize that they’re leaving us out: An elder at a former church was bothered by church attenders bringing coffee and snacks in to the service. After discussion and debate, they voted a new policy: From then on no one was to bring in food or drinks to Sunday church service. Then began my questions:

• What about pregnant women who need to be drinking water regularly (esp. when our services last over two hours)?
• What about the moms of toddlers who always have a small bag of cheerios/snacks to keep their kid occupied during church services that are poorly timed right at kids’ lunch times?

Their reply was, “Oh, we hadn’t thought of that!” — uh, yeah! Of course you hadn’t thought of it. You aren’t the ones who have to take care of those little kids, nor did any of you carry that unborn child for nine months while famished and thirsty all the time! And why did you think you could make a good decision for the whole church, when three-quarters of that church is made up of people who are not like you in one very important way. It’s like “taxation without representation!”

I chose to be a part of this church because I believe in worshipping together with those I’m serving and doing life with. But I do it knowing the price I will pay, the questions I will have to ask, the prodding to ask for my input to be included. I can do that. I’ve done it for years and will keep on doing it. But can you do something about it too?

If you’ve ever wondered what it is that we want, here it is: We want to know that we matter, that our leadership matters.