A SOJOURNERS COLLEAGUE actually used one of these excuses for taking a day off work. If you correctly guess which one, you get to take a day off, no questions asked, at least by me.
1. I volunteered to run the Taizé service at my church and that is not the kinda service you can just barge into with clickity-clackity heels on.
2. After coming to terms with how my childhood atonement theology shaped my attachment style, I had to retake the Enneagram test.
3. I had to throw blood at a nuclear warhead in protest of the war machine.
4. Alternate: I became lightheaded after collecting too much of my own blood to throw at a nuke. In retrospect, I should have just used grape juice.
5. My foster dog Magdalene—“Mags” for short, “Magpie” if you have treats—ate my grant proposal.
6. On the way to work, I was accosted by a nonprofit worker wearing a crossing guard uniform who wanted me to sponsor a child in an unspecified African country. I talked to them for 30 minutes about the difference between charity and justice. I didn’t give them any money, but we have a date this Friday and I’m paying, so.
7. My bike got a flat tire from an offensively deep pothole. I was able to patch up the tire in just a few minutes, but I felt compelled to report the biking hazard to the city, and after they left me on hold for nearly an hour, I decided to take matters into my own hands by stuffing the hole with crushed cans and bottle caps from a nearby recycle bin and then smoothing out the top with a thick layer of toothpaste that I happened to have with me, thank God.
8. My local library just called (yes, they have their own ringtone on my phone; yes, that ringtone is “What’s Going On,” by Marvin Gaye), and they have a new collection of 50 cent books, including AN ENTIRE SHELF of liberation theology books that just arrived, so I guess I will see you in two weeks.
Jenna Barnett is the culture editor at Sojourners and the producer of the award-winning podcast Lead Us Not.
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