Psalms: Revised and Updated (NSFW)

IN HER RECENT article “Praying the Imprecatory Psalms Is an Act of Nonviolence,” Liz Cooledge Jenkins explains that the imprecatory psalms of the Hebrew Bible “demand that God exact judgment against evildoers.” These psalms are particularly ... colorful. Take Psalm 35, for example:

Let ruin come on them unawares.
And let the net that they hid ensnare them;
                let them fall in it—to their ruin.

In comparison to other imprecatory psalms, the above is fairly sanitized. Often in these verses, the psalmist calls for teeth-breaking, infant murder, and widow-making. To be honest, I’ve struggled to read them. My privileged life has left me with few enemies worth cursing and scant violence to avenge. But I realize that many people of faith—especially those living under oppression’s boot—may find a certain catharsis in these psalms as they imagine God judging the truly hurtful people and powers of the world. “In praying these psalms,” writes Cooledge Jenkins, “we process our rage and give our violent impulses over to God.” One problem, though: The curses in the imprecatory psalms are a bit dated and unrelatable. I’ve gone to the trouble of updating them for modernity. For your consideration:

Psalm 1
O Lord, may the iPhone of the slumlord in Crown Heights fall into a toilet of his own urine. May a single AirPod follow quickly behind.

Psalm 2
Seize the yachts of the Russian oligarchs, O God. Scatter their boats across the globe like yellow and blue glitter at a drag bar. Make of them safe vessels for the refugees of the world until we live in a world with no refugees.

Psalm 3
Bash the Xboxes and PlayStations of the Gamergate bros. Leave them only with a GameCube circa 2004. Steer their karts into a banana peel, causing them to swirl off the edge of Rainbow Road. Send forth Ms. Pac-Woman to eat them up like a tiny pellet in a maze of their own misogyny.

Psalm 4
When a billionaire tries to find a tax loophole, push them into a manhole (personhole?) where they will be greeted by one of your prophets: Donatello, the Ninja Turtle. Force them to hand-feed Donatello pizza while he reads them the Parable of the Rich Man and Lazarus until their hearts are softened and their riches dispersed.

Psalm 5
Creative, vengeful God, demilitarize the police, and do it with style. Turn their M16 rifles into pep-rally T-shirt cannons that exclusively fire off Lil Nas X merch. Take their tanks to the old town road where they’ll ride ’til they can’t no more.