As the primary season mercifully draws to a close, our crack H'rumphs election team has determined that, with most of the delegate votes tallied for the upcoming Republican convention, Bob Dole will definitely be named the most boring guy there.
Coincidentally, he'll also be the nominee. Of course, we predicted this months ago through our extensive exit polling, which confirmed that every voter we talked to was, in fact, exiting. And glad to be doing so.
Dole is happy to put the primaries behind him and has already laid out the three most important issues of his presidential campaign: to balance the budget, to reduce the size of the federal government, and to give the state of New Hampshire back to Canada. (It doesn't matter that Canada never had it in the first place. New Hampshire has to learn not to mess with Bob Dole.)
He also has pledged to take a tough stand against rogue nations that violate international standards, pledging punitive economic sanctions on Cuba, China, and New Hampshire.
PUNDITS AGREE that, despite his impressive lock on the Republican nomination, Dole is handicapped by a stiff and overly businesslike personality. In response to this, Dole reassured his supporters at a recent press conference by whimsically joking that he "wasn't born in a suit and tie." Indeed, newly discovered medical records have confirmed that the candidate was actually born in a checked short-sleeve shirt, striped Bermuda shorts, and one of those cute little sailor caps.
But even with all the excitement generated by Bob Dole (campaign slogan: "I have a vision...and a pulse"), let's not forget the other Republican contenders who worked so hard to champion their causes and embarrass their wives. ("Now don't forget, honey, when I finally pull out of the race, Ineed you to stand behind me and smile and look extremely loyal, despite the fact that I spent all of our money and haven't been home for three months, OK?...honey...?")