Church Sign Epic Fails, 'Crush China for Jesus' Edition

By Christian Piatt 1-04-2013

When Chinese kids won’t eat their Cheerios do their parents tell them there are starving kids in America to convince them to finish?

The good news is, we didn’t take their advice; instead, we sold ourselves to China! ***Footnote: I have since been educated on the context of this sign, which makes it understandable. The sign actually suggested that crushing China was a bad thing. Why does history have to go and ruin my fun??? Stupid history!!!

Do you think they put this sign up on the off chance that Jesus would actually be driving by that week? Or do they know something about my super powers that I don’t?

If you’re Jewish, it turns out you get partial credit. God will just give you the most wicked noogie ever, and then let you in anyway.

Good thing we now know the one and only place where God is speaking. Otherwise, it might get confusing!

Absolutely, without question, the ideal place to engage the public in such a debate is on a church sign. Yes!

My uncle Irv was always a little bit “off.” Maybe the problem was that he was a copy, of a copy, of a copy. You know how well that works.

Who knew the gates of hell not only were in a church, but that they also had such crappy hours? No wonder nobody wants to go there!

Either this is an incredibly clever appeal for greater environmental stewardship to help stave off global warming or just another cheap scare tactic to drive up attendance on Sundays … yeah, I vote #2 too.

Christian Piatt is an author, editor, speaker, musician and spoken word artist. He is Director if Church Growth and Development at First Christian Church in Portland, Ore. Christian is the creator and editor of "Banned Questions About The Bible" and "Banned Questions About Jesus." His new memoir on faith, family and parenting is called "PREGMANCY: A Dad, a Little Dude and a Due Date."

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