April Fools Special Edition

...Except for the ads in gray boxes. While Sojourners cares deeply about the serious issues of our day, we also recognize the tonic value of a good laugh and a well-aimed spoof. The ancient roots of April Fools Day even included slaves ruling their masters and mocking the king. So in that spirit of subversive humor we offer this equal-opportunity satire - and promise that we'll return to our usual docket of thoughtful and inspiring commentary next week.

Dennis Bakke's JOY AT WORK - Wall Street Journal Best Seller!

"A timely and inspiring book that challenges us to rethink the purpose of business." - President Bill Clinton

"This book provides valuable ideas for leaders who wish to build or strengthen organizations using sound spiritual principles." - Chuck Colson

"In this book he proves that it works." - Tony Campolo

There's a reason why Clinton, Colson, and Campolo are raving about Joy at Work: A Revolutionary Approach to Fun on the Job. Discover that reason at http://www.dennisbakke.com/pages/welcome-2 , where you can watch a video interview, find out when Dennis Bakke will be speaking in your city, or send an anonymous e-mail to your boss.

For a limited time, buy 1 get 1 free for your boss at: http://www.amazon.com/joyatwork

"Our collection agencies are often unable to gather intelligence on the very things we care the most about."

- From the report by the Bush-appointed Commission on the Intelligence Capabilities of the United States, lamenting the difficulty in finding out useful information about the Michael Jackson trial, Survivor spoilers, and plot secrets from Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith. The president "welcomed" the report, and said Dick Cheney was especially interested in learning more about how exactly Senator Palpatine became emperor and began construction of the Death Star. (Actual source: The Washington Post)

Admit it, liberal whiners. Bush deserves credit for positive developments in the Middle East, such as photosynthesis. If it were up you, we'd all be choking on our own toxic exhalations.

As with all other positive developments in the Middle East - elections in Egypt, Saudi Arabia, Palestine, Iraq, and Afghanistan; Libya's relinquishing of WMDs; stymied proliferation of nuclear weapons (except for Pakistan and Israel); and of course, Lebanon's laudable "shaking off" (in Arabic, intifada) of Syrian domination - credit must be given to the Bush doctrine of pre-emptive war.

Thus inspired by the toppling of Saddam's regime, Middle Eastern trees have now also finally risen up against the oppressive forces of carbon dioxide, overthrowing them in favor of oxygen in an irrepressible photosynthetic orgy of freedom. I don't hear Muhammad Q. Islam complaining either, so I'm only going to say this once: You're welcome.

I must also say to every liberal peacenik hand-wringer who ever questioned the Iraq war policy - the vast numbers of U.S. soldiers and Iraqi civilians killed and maimed; the damage to America's global reputation; the complete absence of WMDs; abuse and torture at Abu Ghraib; the "bring it on" attitude of the Bush administration; and "all options on the table" statements directed toward Iran - each and every one of you now owes every oxygen-breathing man, woman, and child in the entire region an apology. We neo-con hawks and our plan for world domination - I mean democratization - were right. You were wrong. While you're eating crow, I suggest a balsamic and sage marinade.

And if any critics try to suggest that nonviolent protests in Lebanon demonstrate how regimes can be toppled without war, or that Saudi Arabian and Egyptian "elections" are insubstantial window-dressing, or that the Palestinian elections were merely the result of Arafat's death, or that Iraq remains a quagmire where a majority of the population resents U.S. occupation, well...they're a bunch of stupid-heads who must hate oxygen. And freedom.

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"For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also." -Luke 12:34

Each month hundreds of people include Sojourners in their regular tithing and charitable giving. If you make a monthly pledge of at least $10 to Sojourners Sustainers Circle you will receive a complimentary subscription to our award-winning Sojourners magazine. Join the Sustainers Circle today! Join online at www.sojo.net/sustainers or call (800) 714-7474, ext. 211.

Hallelujaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh!!!

But during a dark night of the soul immersed in polling data, demographic reports, No-Doz, and late-night televangelists, Dean recently experienced what he describes as a "touch of Holy Ghost power" as he prayed for God to grant him and his party political success. Friends speculate it may have just been an unusually strong static shock that resulted when Dean knelt before his 56-inch projection television and placed his hands on the screen as instructed by TV preacher Robert Tilton.

But whether zapped by the Holy Spirit or excess electrons, Dean's already boisterous speaking style has been imbued with a religious fervor and a penchant for God-talk rivaling opponents on the Right, as demonstrated at a recent press conference: "Bush's plan for social security is ill-conceived and must be rejected. Puh-raise Gawd! Amen. Hallelujah. Next question - thank you JEE-ah-sus-ah!"

"I'd like to believe he's sincere, but it just feels like one-upsmanship," muttered Rev. Jerry Falwell irritably. "I mean, he's already added two extra syllables to his pronunciation of the Lord's name - where most of us settle for a mere JEE-sus-ah. Who's he trying to impress?"

Friends on the Left also have concerns. "True, we wanted Howard to embrace a moral and religious vocabulary," said one NCC operative who declined to be named. "But now he keeps quoting this King James smack from Revelation about beasts and crowns and cups of wrath. We wanted MLK lite - not Oral freakin' Roberts."

While insiders debate his life expectancy as party chair, other members of the progressive religious community are offering their perspective. Jim Wallis' newest book, God's Politics II: Why the Right Still Gets It Wrong, and the Left Got Too Much and Is Weirding Out Its Friends and Isn't Invited to Parties Anymore is already a New York Times best-seller.

+ E-mail this SojokeMail to a friend, amen, hallelujah

Meet-ups for a Movement

Nearly 200 readers have signed up to host God's Politics meet-ups in their local communities. In response to this demand, Sojourners has produced a free study guide to enable you to use the book as a movement-building tool. The monologue of the Religious Right is over, and a new national dialogue has begun - start your own study group today!

+ Click here to host a God's Politics meet-up event

+ Click here to find a meet-up in your area

After the White House approved the sale of 24 fighter-bombers to Pakistan this week, international response was greatly divided, running the gamut from "this was a bad idea" to "No, this was a really bad idea." Administration officials quickly defended the decision, explaining that the sale was a reward for Pakistan's help in the war against terror, help which, to date, has resulted in not finding Osama bin Laden, not ending regional support for al Qaeda, and not seriously punishing its top scientist for selling nuclear secrets to rogue nations.

Indian government officials, in particular, questioned why the U.S. would express its gratitude with nuclear-capable warplanes when a large basket of fruit would have sufficed. Other diplomats agreed, suggesting that a nation with a long history of supporting terrorism might better qualify for some coupons from Outback Steakhouse, or even a simple friendship ring. "Just find out Pervez Musharraf's birthstone," a helpful U.N. Secretary General Kofi Annan suggested, "then throw in a couple chocolate biscotti from Godiva, and call it even."

Other U.N. officials pointed out that Hallmark has a new line of Coalition of the Willing thank you notes - with matching envelopes - that cover all manner of occasions with a quiet thoughtfulness simply not found in fighter jets bristling with lethal firepower. Lockheed Martin, the warplane's builder, strongly disagreed, however, noting that each aircraft will be shipped with complimentary cockpit potpourri. (This month's scent: lilac.)

For its part, Pakistan will redouble its efforts in the war against terror, promising twice-monthly press releases chronicling another near-capture of bin Laden and at least one blurry videotape of what could be Mullah Mohammad Omar, the elusive former Taliban leader who, through a spokesman, still insists that his beard is better than bin Laden's. (Omar: "The guy looks like a pelican, for cryin' out loud! And what's with the pill box hat? Who does he think he is, Jackie O?")

But more important, Pakistan will continue to impose the harsh conditions under which scientist A.Q. Khan is being punished for selling nuclear technology on the international black market. Khan is in his third year of a life sentence of house arrest, handed down by Pakistan's stern judicial system which sees dining in as more than enough punishment for helping North Korea and Iran with their nuclear weapons programs. That said, however, we can only hope the domestic staff serves his meals with an appropriate scowl of condemnation - perhaps even a raised eyebrow of disapproval as they present the week's selection of video tapes - to express the full weight of international disapproval he has earned.

+ This SojokeMail makes a lovely thank-you gift. Share it with a friend!

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When challenged as to Iraq war architect Paul Wolfowitz's fitness to replace James Wolfensohn as president of the World Bank, President Bush carefully detailed a long and distinguished list of qualifications: "...[H]e's a man of good experiences. He helped manage a large organization. The World Bank is a large organization; the Pentagon is a large organization - he's been involved in the management of that organization [actual quote]." Bush also added, "His proven ability to orchestrate the destruction of a country like Iraq and then predicate its re-development on the enrichment of U.S. corporations is proof enough of his ability to lead an organization with a record like the World Bank's."

When pressed further as to why other more qualified candidates were overlooked, and whether Wolfowitz's confirmation yesterday as World Bank president, combined with the appointment of U.N.-basher John Bolton as U.N. ambassador, could be seen as giving the finger to the rest of the world with both hands, Bush grinned sheepishly while answering: "Well, it was also because their names are alike - Paul Wolfywitz and that Wolfysohn guy there. I think names with 'Wolf' in them are cool. They're ferocious and powerful animals, and can strike at any second. That's important - whether you're helping poor loser countries get their act together, or making the Middle East safe for democracy. That's why I'm also naming Wolf Blitzer of CNN as Paul's replacement for Deputy Secretary of Defense. Otherwise I might have picked someone from Fox News - those guys are awesome. A fox is also a dangerous animal, but not as dangerous as a wolf, because wolfs [sic] are bigger. They're scary, and you don't mess with 'em. If I had a son, I would name him Wolf, or maybe Cougar."

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Visit the NEW www.support-peace.com and show your support for PEACE in a very tangible way through the purchase of "Support Peace" car magnets, window clings, lapel pins, and apparel.

Because of your support in January and February, more than $800 was given to Sojourners. A portion of the profits from every sale will continue to be given to this organization and others that support peace.

The new Hummer hybrid: It's earth- friendly, so you don't have to be.

Option packages include advanced armor plating unavailable even to U.S. troops in Iraq. Though the armor's weight nullifies the hybrid's added fuel economy, you're assured that in a collision your load of overpriced organic groceries will remain unscathed - unlike the driver of the Mazda Miata you just backed over in the Whole Foods parking lot, who will require reconstructive surgery and lifetime of rehab.

In a limited-time offer intended to boost initial sales, your first tank of gas will come from pristine petroleum drilled in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge, and your first 100 kilowatt-hours will come from "clean coal" power plants. "We hope the Laverde will be more popular and less of a transparent PR stunt than our hydrogen-powered H2H model," said Elizabeth Lowery, GM Vice President of Environment and Energy. The H2H was unavailable for public sale but given as a gift to actor and muscle-man Arnold Schwarzenegger - who is also governor of California - no kidding.

+ Self-righteously guilt-trip your SUV-driving friends by e-mailing them this SojokeMail

Erica Johnson's picture, which I cut out of my yearbook. Isn't she great?

I was hoping to let things between us develop naturally, but now I hear that Brad Maxwell is going to ask you out. Look, just cause he drive's a Chevy Lumina even though he's only in ninth grade doesn't make him cool. It's because he was HELD BACK! Your so much smarter than him. He is such a JERK and your totally wrong for each other. WHY CAN'T YOU SEE THAT?

I'm DESPERATE, but in Amnisty International Club we learned that action alerts are a great way to get people to do the right thing. There Web site says that "Thousands of individually written messages are a powerful signal that an international audience is deeply concerned about the fate of those involved." I think that apply's to us too, so I made a sample letter at the link below so that people from all over the world can be DEEPLY CONCERNED ABOUT OUR FATE and tell you to go out with me. But even if you don't want to, we can still be friends, right?

+ CLICK HERE TO TAKE ACTION AND TELL ERICA JOHNSON TO GO OUT WITH ME!!

+ E-mail this SojokeMail to your true love

+ E-mail this SojokeMail to scare off a creepy crush

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know when the best I can do is to stay up watching X-Files reruns with a bucket of KFC, a pint of Haagen Dazs, and a carton of Marlboros.

THE DIALECTICAL DEVELOPMENT OF DOCTRINE: A Methodological Proposal
by Charles Dickinson

If Christianity - without losing its soul - is yet to avoid losing touch with the world, it must constantly update itself by dialogue with all the intellectual currents of today. To this end, the author proposes a necessary two-way dialectic between theology and the world, an ongoing dialectic ultimately essential to both church and world. $25 hardcover. To order call (313) 624-9784. Dove Booksellers, 13904 Michigan Avenue, Dearborn, Michigan, 48126. www.dovebook.coms

10. To prove to my feminist girlfriend that I'm, like, into her issues.

9. It takes a village to raise a child, but it takes name recognition to raise a campaign war chest.

8. Her moderate rhetoric on abortion and religious values shows she that has the sincerity and integrity - or savvy B.S. - to connect with the American voter. I don't care - whatever it takes to get universal health care.

7. Can't wait to see what wacky hijinks Bill gets himself into around the White House without presidential duties to distract him.

6. Settling into a nice Bush-Clinton-Bush-Clinton rotation will make it much easier for America's school children to memorize the presidents.

5. She'd challenge chauvinistic Muslim governments with a progressive example of women's leadership - oh wait, Pakistan had a female head of state 17 years ago. And a woman became Indonesia's prime minister in 2001.

4. Afraid if I don't I'll end up like Vince Foster.

3. To demonstrate that American political dynasties aren't just patriarchal father-son affairs, but can also pass from philandering husbands to their embittered wives.

2. I've already ordered 10,000 "A woman's place is in the house - the White House" bumper stickers.

1. One word: Hillary-ous.

+ E-mail this SojokeMail to your swing voter friends

End times got you down? Come to the North Park University (Chicago) April 14-15, 2005, conference, "Israel, the Bible, and the Future," with leading authors offering critical biblical perspectives. Call (773) 244-5786 for brochure or check www.christianzionism.org or www.northpark.edu/centers/middle/default.htm

International Community Charter School for child survivors of war seeks experienced teacher/administrator as assistant principal. Send resume and letter of interest to: ap_position@intcomschool.org. For more information, visit: www.intcomschool.org/about_us/ap.html

Progressive essays including "It's Not About God, It's About Religion," and "Where O Where Did All The Saddams Go?" as well as the novel "Dropping the God Bomb 2.0" now available at: http://www.brownbearpress.net

Singers, choir directors, music teachers: SINGPEACE, Internet distributor of download-and-print sheet music for singing about peace, justice, diversity, and the environment. Preview and hear entire scores before you buy! "Why not sing PEACE?"

Boston Red Sox Outfielder Johnny Damon signed a $11.5 million contract to play the role of Jesus Christ in the sequel to Mel Gibson's controversial film, The Passion of the Christ. "After I broke the curse of the Bambino, it just seemed like the next logical step," said Damon, who helped lead the Red Sox last year to their first World Series victory since 1918. "The Sox probably won't win this thing for another 87 years, so I think this is the best career move for me right now."

Though many wonder why Passion I star Jim Caviezel wasn't reprising his role as Jesus, Damon has questioned whether the slender Caviezel could be taken seriously as the resurrected Christ. As he told ESPN's Dan Patrick, "Caviezel was great to portray the death, but for the resurrection, you need a beefed-out Christ on steroids." In a follow-up question, Damon denied ever using steroids or knowing anyone else in baseball who ever has.

American entertainers have started feeling the effect of the U.S. dollar's precipitous devaluation on world markets. In many European venues, for example, platinum-selling rap artist 50 Cent has been forced to perform under the name of 37 Cent, depending on the daily rate. Just last weekend, after another exchange hit in England, the rapper had no choice but to begin his tour of the British Isles as 10 Shillings, Threepence, a name that may undermine his urban street thug persona. Fortunately, because of China's commitment to artificially prop up American rap imports, 50 Cent is still selling strong in Asia as 74 Yen.

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