Happy April Fool's Day

Celebrate April Fool's Day with us by enjoying this satirical edition of SojoMail! We won't try to suck the fun out of it with a history lesson, but here's a link if you're interested (including the ancient roots of the holiday in which slaves of the Roman empire celebrated by ruling their masters and mocking the king! Hmmmm.) http://www.inglewoodcarecentre.com/history/april_fool.htm

We trust you'll share in the spirit of subversive mischief in which it was intended. Feel free to share it with friends by going to: %tellafriend%

"To those who are watching on television, your government failed you, those entrusted with protecting you failed you, and I failed you. We tried hard, but that doesn't matter because we failed."

- Federal Communications Commission Chairman Michael Powell, apologizing to the public for failing to prevent William Hung, famous for his bad singing on the TV series American Idol, from securing a record contract. Hung's album, The True Idol, is set to be released April 6. Source: Reuters

Ed Spivey Jr.

These facts came to light after journalists noticed that most, if not all, outgoing administration officials shared one thing in common, besides writing embarrassing exposes about the failure of Bush policies: they have little hair. Former counterterrorism aide Richard Clarke, former Treasury Secretary Paul O'Neill, and former press secretary Ari Fleischer were all replaced through a secret White House mandate to give the staff a more virile, manly persona. The president himself sports an enviable "do" for a man of his age, and those around him, increasingly, are projecting a similar image.

Vice President Dick Cheney, long considered the real power in the White House, has lost considerable clout in recent days, due, one must assume, to his nearly bald pate. For almost a year, Cheney was actually kept in various undisclosed locations, for fear that his bald head would embarrass the administration. Now that he is needed for the re-election campaign, he is nonetheless being kept far away from the White House, forced to give speeches mainly to local chambers of commerce. The president's recent decision for Condoleezza Rice to testify before the 9/11 committee - after strongly refusing to do so - came less from a desire to tell the truth than it was to put another full head of hair in front of the American people.

Who's got great hair? Administrator of the Coalition Provisional Authority Paul Bremmer does, that's who.

This issue has further entangled an already heated election campaign. The presumptive Democratic nominee John Kerry has a formidable head of hair to contend with - hair that he boasts has been tested under extreme conditions including the Vietnam War, snowboarding, windsurfing, kiteboarding, and the Vietnam War. His handlers hope to capitalize on his perfectly sculpted coiffure in a new campaign ad: "John Kerry. He never lost a man. Or his Bryll Cream."

It's hard to predict how far the Bush administration's hair-first policy will go. Already questions are being raised about Ari Fleischer's replacement by Scott McClellan, who, despite having twice as much hair as his predecessor, is by all measures thin-skinned and not-quite-ready-for-prime-time. (His favorite response to hard questions from the media is, "DID NOT!" Plus, hair experts think McClellan is mere months away from a comb-over, the pitiful last stand of denial, and a one-way ticket out of a White House.) To be fair, Ari Fleischer - for all the times his shiny scalp reflected camera lights and created false sunspot readings from the Hubble - was single-handedly responsible for holding the press in sheep-like compliance with the Bush line. It was Fleischer, after all, who "kept the lid" on the Bush baldness policy for two years, presumably giving time for his Rogaine treatments to take hold. Sadly, they never did.

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A "poll" asked a random sample of "people" the following question: How do you respond to Ralph Nader's run for president?

	32%	I exhausted my electoral idealism voting for Dennis Kucinich in the primaries. I'll do as I'm told now.
	14%	I think his electric personality and irresistable charisma are a VERY close second to Kerry's.
	6%	Somebody told me a vote for Nader was the same as a vote for Bush. I think it has something to do with those new computerized voting machines.
	11%	Who has Michael Moore endorsed again? Does he still want Wes Clark?
	2%	Mr. Nader's popularity has become...inconvenient. He must be ignored...with extreme prejudice.
	34%	I agree with him about everying except abortion. But what the heck - it's not like he'll ever be elected.

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The global disappearance of Christians earlier this week attributed to the "rapture" predicted by premillennial theologians, and the corresponding disappearance of Left Behind books from bestseller lists have left authors Tim LaHaye, Jerry B. Jenkins, and their publishers discouraged and soul-searching. They're also disappointed that they were not among the airplane pilots, school bus drivers, or toll booth operators taken up to heaven in the wink of an eye, leaving behind piles of empty clothing as well as chaos, terror, and inconvenience, respectively.

When asked why the rapture hurt sales of a series that would seem more timely than ever, Jenkins commented, "Apparently the folks who've actually been left behind aren't interested in reading about it. And I can see why - it's a real kick in the teeth for me personally. This goes way beyond bitter irony."

Related headlines:

BUSH RAPTURED!
President Cheney forms new Department of Homeland Tribulation

ASHCROFT MANDATES BARCODE FOREHEAD TATOOS FOR ALL AMERICANS
"Law-abiding church-goers have nothing to fear," states Attorney General

EMPTY PILES OF CLOTHING A BOON TO THRIFT-STORE INDUSTRY
Raptured Christians had penchant for name-brand quality, say merchants

ABSOLUTELY NO 'REALITY TV' CAST MEMBERS MISSING DUE TO RAPTURE
Souls safely in possession of networks, production continues uninterrup - Wait, if I'm writing this, I'm not saved either! Auuugh!

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In the spiritual life, it is essential to remove one's focus from the results of one's prayers, meditations, and contemplations. Only when one has eliminated one's desire for truth, enlightenment, or whatever one chooses to call it, will one ultimately gain perfect and total knowledge of all reality, meaning, and experience. It's kind of like when you want to fall asleep, but the more you want to fall asleep, you can't, because you're stressing about needing to fall asleep because you have a really important speech, or meeting, or job thing the next day, and so all you can do is think about how badly you need to get some sleep. I usually just take some pills. Or if I've run out of them, maybe watch TV for a while. Of course, if God doesn't want you to fall asleep, it's just not going to happen, no matter how hard you try. Same with enlightenment.

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Hugh Hefner to make sexy biblical epic.

This Passion promises to be no less controversial than the former. Critics question the film's R rating, suggesting that the film is little more than pornography. Hefner's response: "Yea maybe, but it's in the Bible. Bring the kids."

Feminists have labeled Hefner's vision of Solomon's exploits among 700 wives and 300 concubines a non-stop parade of mind-numbing misogyny. "Their problem isn't with me, it's with scripture," says an unrepentant Hefner. "Just be glad I didn't make a movie about Lot and his daughters in Genesis 19:30-38 - now that's some whack shinizzle!"

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Cruel experiments are performed on Peeps to guarantee their flavor, texture, and sweet, sweet goodness. IT'S AN OUTRAGE!

http://www.peepresearch.org/smoking.html
http://www.peepresearch.org/surgery.html
http://www.peepresearch.org/nitrogen.html

THIS OUTRAGE MUST STOP!! Write "Save the peeps!" on a $20 bill and mail it to:

Save the Peeps/New Ping-Pong Table Fund
c/o Sojourners
2401 15th St NW
Washington, DC 20009

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Saddam Hussein accepts a dozen roses from Donald Rumsfeld during their courtship in 1983.

Throughout the '70s and '80s, Saddam formed a cozy relationship with the U.S., including a 1983 meeting with then special envoy Donald Rumsfeld to renew diplomatic "relations." And despite some pretty obnoxious behavior, including chemical attacks against Kurdish villages and Iran, U.S. corporations and government agencies continued to provide parts, material, training, and other assistance to Iraq's chemical, biological, missile, and nuclear weapons programs! Saddam was doing great!

Then he got cocky and invaded Kuwait - bad move for Saddam but great for ratings! After getting smacked back to Baghdad, he tried a desperate ploy of hard-to-get that left viewers apathetic throughout most of the '90s, while the U.S. returned the cold shoulder with sanctions that killed an estimated 500,000 children (by UNICEF estimates). After 9/11, when it was obvious that Bush and his neocons had completely "lost that lovin' feeling," Saddam readmitted arms inspectors. But it was too late, the show was over.

"I felt kind of bad tricking them that whole time," says a circumspect Hussein. "I mean, I never thought they'd really invade - what with the whole entire world wanting us to make up. But in the end, I really learned a lot about relationships. And about myself."

Though many viewers were ultimately disappointed in Hussein's performance, they thought he was much more believable than Gen. Manuel Noriega in 1989's Survivor: Panama.

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NEW! From the Bible publishers that brought you...

• The Megachurch PowerPoint Bible for Mass Consumption (BMC)
• The Jesus Seminar Take-It-Or-Leave-It Heavily Revised Non-Standard Version (HRNSV)
• The King George Authorized Pax Americana Vulgate (PAV)

...comes THE WHITE COLLAR CRIMINAL STUDY BIBLE!

Featuring:

In-depth commentaries on the tough issues you face every day, such as:

• Getting a camel through the eye of a needle (Matthew 19:24) with easy-to-understand diagrams!
• Tearing down your barns and building bigger ones (Luke 12:18)
• Having an answer for bleeding-heart do-gooder guilt-mongers who want you to sell all you have and give to the poor (Luke 18:18-22)

Leading scholars provide the loopholes you need to keep from getting "burned" like these guys:

• The rich fool (Luke 12:20)
• The rich man and Lazarus (Luke 16:19-31)
• The rich young ruler (Mark 10:22)

PLUS: Guilt-inducing passages printed in light gray type - you'll hardly notice them at all!
(Including: 1 Timothy 6:9-11, Matthew 6:24, Luke 1:53, and that wet blanket James 5:1-6 - ouch!)

"Finally, a Bible that speaks to me...whenever I get around to actually reading it."
- Ken Lay, former Enron CEO and member of the board of trustees at First United Methodist Church in Houston.

"At last, someone has accumulated the kind of teaching that tickles my itching ears."
- Bernie Ebbers, former WorldCom CEO, teaches Sunday school at Easthaven Baptist Church in Brookhaven, Mississippi.

Tell your white collar criminal friends about this exciting new Bible translation at: %tellafriend%

WHITE HOUSE PRESS OFFICE, FOX "NEWS" TO MERGE
Network to be no less "fair and balanced" than before, officials claim - critics agree.
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A22218-2004Mar24.html

KERRY NAMES ROSS PEROT AS RUNNING MATE
Perot's small head, large ears, and rapid, high-pitched speaking voice will balance Democratic ticket, say pundits
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A13674-2004Mar21.html

AMISH 'FERTILIZE' UPN STUDIOS WITH BUGGY-LOADS OF MANURE TO PROTEST REALITY SHOW
"It likeneth unto a 'sit-in' only mit Scheisse" say bearded and bonneted activists opposing Amish in the City
http://www.thirdway.com/wv/article.asp?ID=321

PRO-LIFE DEMOCRATS PLACED ON ENDANGERED SPECIES LIST
The rare politicians are becoming nearly as scarce as 'compassionate conservatives,' say experts
http://www.sojo.net/index.cfm?action=magazine.article&issue=soj0309&article=030955

Moonbeam Solstice writes from his nihilist commune on the outskirts of San Francisco, California:

Cancel my subscription immediately! As a Republican athiest I'm so blinded with rage at your consistently wrong-headed "pro-God" and anti-American stance that I can now barely see my computer and have been reduced to stabbing haphazardly at the keyboard. Hopefully spell-cheeck will catch most of my mmistakes - thank God for Billl Gates. (UNless you're an athiest like me andthen youll just thank the evolutinoary process and a random series of genetic mutations over millions of years for Bill Gates. [Thank God for CHarles Darwin]). When wil you sissies lern that it is not until you stop worshiping your "Jesus" and bow the kneee to King George W our REAL Savior that their will be piece on earth - at least for True Americans cause the rest of you (and yeah, i'm talking to you too, Canada) will be paddling to China where you can keep your commie theology and eat rice all day!

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Brittany Cohen writes from her organic tobacco farm in Kenly, North Carolina:

Cancel my subscription - YESTERDAY!! As a Christian fundamentalist member of the Green Party I am currently lying in a hospital bed recovering from the apoplectic fit that I had upon reading your recent election coverage that refuses to recognize the OBVIOUS reality that the Green Party is God's Party in 2004! IT'S IN REVELATIONS, PEOPLE!!! In chapter six, the first three horses of the apocolypse are white, red, and black - symbolizing white for the Republicans (duh!), red for the Democrats (or as I like to call them, "Commiecrats"), and the Black Panther Party. Each of these parties has had their chance to rule America at one time or another (well, the Panthers really only ruled the NFC until their defeat in the Super Bowl, but I digress...often), but the FOURTH horse is the GREEN horse and this election year is the FOURTH year of the new MILLENIUM! Any fool with a SCOFIELD KING JAMES BIBLE in one hand, USA Today in the other, and CBN on the TV could figure that out!!!!

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Kristjan Juliusson writes from Reykjavík, Iceland:

SojoMail, you are my anchor in the storm. Sometimes I feel so ice-o-lated (get it) because living here in Iceland with almost no crime, national healthcare, and limitless supplies of renewable geothermal energy, I sometimes forget that the world is a violent, unjust place on the verge of environmental catastrophe. Thanks, SojoMail, for reminding me just how bad things really are.

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Douglas Daft writes from Atlanta, Georgia:

I've been reading SojoMail for three weeks now and my patience has finally run out. When will fence-straddling Sojourners finally have the political and moral courage to quit trying to have it both ways and take a stand on what everyone knows is the defining issue of the 21st century that has divided America, even the world, for too long: "Soda" or "pop"? WHOSE SIDE ARE YOU ON?! There is no middle ground. None. I can just hear Jim Wallis saying, "But why can't we all agree on 'soft drink?'" or David Batstone trying to convince us that "carbonated beverage" is the socially responsible thing to say. Nonsense! We all know that is merely the smarmy jargon of namby-pamby politicos and soulless corporate drink-speak that will never be accepted by those of us who love truth, justice, and fizzy refreshment.

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Kaetlynne Oshiro, like, writes from, like, her house:

Oh. My. Gosh. My friend Jessica just said that, like, David Batstone totally looks like Bruce Willis. And I said, "Ohmygosh! You're totally right!" That is SO wierd. Then she said, "I wonder if he had plastic surgery like Michael Jackson did to look like Diana Ross." And I said, "As IF! If David Batstone had plastic surgery, he'd probably want to look like Gandhi or Jesus or something." And then she said, "I wonder which one would be cuter: Gandhi, Jesus, or Bruce Willis?" And then I said, "Don't even go there! The struggle for peace, justice, and human dignity is not about who's the cutest!" And then she said, "Woah. That is, like, so DEEP...." Yeah, I'm like, totally spiritual and stuff.

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Binney Smith writes from Easton, Pennsylvania:

For an organization that claims to be "Christian" you certainly seem to love Buddha more than Jesus. How can I tell? Everything's orange - just like the color of Buddhist robes that I saw in National Geographic once. You should robe your Web site in powder blue, which, according to the flannelgrams we used in Sunday School class, is the color of the robes of Jesus Christ. Cancel my subscription. And don't come crying back to me saying, "We're sorry! You were right and we changed everything to blue just like you said!" It's too late. I know your true colors.

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Boomerang is an open forum for what many of us are thinking but are afraid to say out loud. Send all rants, screeds, and vitriol to: boomerang@sojo.net . We reserve the right to pass on messages we deem suspicious to the Department of Homeland Security. Also, please keep in mind that this week's SATIRICAL edition of SojoMail was in observance of APRIL FOOL'S DAY. So take a deep breath. Now another. Now do the hokey pokey and turn yourself about. Now you don't feel so angry anymore...do you? You don't need to write that angry letter anymore...do you? No...of course not.