Editor’s Note: Okay, Ed, the lawyer has finished looking through your column to make sure it’s totally nonpartisan and that it doesn’t favor or oppose either candidate. With a few minor deletions, he says it’s good to go.
As Election Day approaches, more Americans are anxious about the nnnn future. With the world economy in nnnn—for example, Afghanistan’s opium crop is down by almost 19 percent—America’s nnnnn has never been more needed. And yet, after a grueling nominating process, no nnn candidate has emerged that could reassure the world that Washington, D.C., can be anything more than a big nnn pile of scheming nnnn.
But enough about Dick Cheney’s small group.
On the nnnnnnnn side, the candidate is nnnn nnnn, except for the fact that he’s nnnn and was born in Indonesia, or possibly Illinois, and that he fathered two children with a woman in Chicago. His campaign is promising a quick, bipartisan nnnn to every nnnn problem facing this nation, except for the problem of creating false expectations for bipartisan nnnn.
And let’s be honest, he’s a little more nnnnnn than the rest of us.
Obama: You mean, because I’m nnnn.
Reporter: Well this is awkward. No, of course not. This has nothing to do with nnn. It’s just that, you’re, you know ... nnnn.
Obama: Because I’m nnnn?
Reporter: No, not at all. You’re just ... um ... kind of nnnn-ish.
Obama: But that’s because I’m nnnn, right?
Reporter: Absolutely not! Some of my best friends aren’t nnnn. (Does this guy have an nnnnn, or what?)
ON THE REPUBLICAN side we have an nnnn senator of Panamanian birth who speaks proudly of his nnnn career but then admits that he, like George W. Bush, sat out most of the nnnnn War. (Unlike George W. Bush, however, he was nnnn.) In fact, during much of the war he was a prisoner of the nnnn Vietnamese, an experience that is still fresh on his nnn—and in his nnnnnn—since he apparently just got out last Thursday.
The Democratic candidate is nnnnnnnnnnnn. The Republican has the opposite problem. He’s got lots of nnnnnn, but at nn years old, his nnnnnnnnnnnn nnnn, such as a recent nnnnnnnnwhen he told reporters “I am Georgia.”
To his credit, he compensated for his nnnnnn age by naming a nnnn woman governor as his running mate. His opponents strongly questioned his nnnnnn choice of an nnnnnn working mother with nnnn speaking skills and an nnnnnnstory. To which McCain replies, “And that’s a problem how?”
The Democratic candidate is nnnn and nnnn, suggesting that there is a big ball of nnnn seething inside, just waiting to come out. This was evident during the last day of the convention when he loudly accused a nnnnn preacher of nnnnnnnnwhen promising a nnnn future 45 years ago, to the day.
In contrast, the Republican candidate is nnnnnn, particularly when voting nnnn the president nn percent of the time. It’s not a lot, but considering the president’s nnnn job performance over the last eight years, it shows that he was at least nnnnnnnn.
Both candidates have some nnnnnnn in their closets (although, admittedly, one has more nnnn than the other). The nnnnnn candidate bought his house from a nnnn character later convicted as a nnnn, and he is a friend of a former nnnn and current nnnn university professor (it’s so hard to tell the difference these days). The nnnnnn candidate was part of the so-called nnnnn Five, a group of senators caught up in the savings and nnnn scandal. Although, to be fair, he probably thought it was a rock band.
Regardless, as president either candidate will have his hands full. I say “his” because, at press time, nnnnnnnn had yet to be moved to the top of the nnnnnn ticket. But a couple more nnnnpit bull jokes and she just might be. At the very least, her supporters believe she is nnnnn to be nnnnnn of Alaska and parts of nearby nnnn.
EIGHT YEARS OF GEORGE W. nnnn has left behind a nation that neither candidate will be happy to inherit. Historians have yet to declare his nnnnn, since they’re still divided between calling him the “Worst nnnnnn in American History” or the “nnnn, With Fries.” (In fact, so embarrassed were the party faithful at the convention that his presence was reduced to an eight-minute nnnn. Actually, this was a concession to the president, since the original idea was for his nnnn to be printed on one of the balloons.)
Regardless of the outcome, however, I can still take comfort in my Ron Paul yard sign, which I’m totally keeping.
Ed Spivey Jr. is nnn director of Sojourners.