Oops. Actually our 25th anniversary issue is coming up later this fall. I just forgot. I've been forgetting a lot lately since I'm getting older and...what was I saying? Oh yes, about my daughters' hamsters. Sigh. I've been here almost 22 years and I tell you I'm not aging gracefully. And I'm not alone. A lot of people here are looking really old, particularly *****. And I couldn't believe how wrinkled ****** looked the other day. (Editor's Note: Asterisks have been inserted to protect the identities of the editor and the publisher, who are several weeks older than their art director.)
But seriously, at our recent editorial retreat we didn't play volleyball. This may seem like a small thing, but we ALWAYS play volleyball on retreats. (Once we actually forgot to make any editorial plans, opting to spend the whole time playing volleyball, except when we stopped for a few minutes to tell a staffperson that we were sorry he might have dislocated his shoulder, but...it was his serve.)
But not this time. Nobody even brought a net.
No, this time we padded around in our slippers and-I still can't believe it-worked on crossword puzzles. And some people needed backrubs afterward. The most athletic thing we did was play cards. (Things can get a little physical when you play I Doubt It, especially when people accuse you of intentionally lying just to win a silly game. Twice.)
Fortunately, in the Christian magazine business, talent is not dependent on youth. Just good hair dye.
AND SPEAKING OF BOB DOLE
Republican presidential hopeful Pat Buchanan (pronounced "Mi lo'se vic") continues to gather the support of key special-interest groups. At last count he had earned endorsements from the American Pit Bull Association and Texas' Famous House of Army Surplus Barbecue. Buchanan's candidacy also received early approval by the small but powerful Fraternal Order of Assault Rifle Users (motto: "We used to work at the post office").
Meanwhile, Republican front-runner Bob "Let-a-Smile-Be-Your-Umbrella" Dole continues to rise in the polls after the GOP's muzzling of House Speaker Newt Gingrich. His bellicose pronouncements had begun to erode public confidence in the Republican agenda (although the Speaker was somewhat vindicated when scientists confirmed that the Titanic did, in fact, sink because of the failed welfare policies of the 1960s).
KEEPING THE FAITH (DOES THIS OUTFIT CLASH WITH MY LEAFLETS?)
The Call to Renewal is an important initiative to involve Christians in meaningful political change and possibly see themselves on local TV ("THERE! THAT'S ME! I'm holding the sign that says 'The Religious Right Is Yucky!'").
The Call aims to reunite Christians with the biblical principles of justice and good works, principles that definitely do not include cheap shots at the Christian Coalition. (Say, does Ralph Reed's haircut look like prom night 1957, or what?)
NEWS WE DIDN'T COVER LAST ISSUE (SEEING AS HOW WE'RE A BIMONTHLY)
Belated congratulations to Iraq President Saddam Hussein. In a stunning confirmation of democratic principles, citizens re-elected the autocrat with an overwhelming 96 percent of the vote. His opponent-listed on the ballot as "other"-ran a weak campaign and probably suffered from poor name recognition.
Post-election polls indicated the vote may have been even stronger for the president since a full 100 percent of people randomly interviewed at gunpoint by the military insisted they had voted for Hussein. (Or is it Saddam? I get confused because in some languages the last name comes first, like in China, for instance. President Jiang Zemin's last name is actually Jiang, so saying Mr. Zemin would not only be incorrect, but probably punishable by a lengthy stay in prison making products for Wal-Mart. No, the proper usage is Mr. Jiang, as in "Please Mr. Jiang. Tell your fair-minded police officers not to shoot.")
AS OUR COUNSELORS COME FORWARD PLEASE KEEP YOUR HANDS BEHIND YOUR HEAD AND MAKE NO SUDDEN MOVES...
Evangelist Billy Graham has invited a special guest to his next worldwide crusade: the Unabomber. (Honest!) Graham associates said this invitation was made in the spirit of forgiveness and not done, as some have suggested, to boost crusade attendance with hundreds of plainclothes FBI agents.
BEST BUMPER STICKER WE EVER SAW
"Jesus is coming. Look busy."
Don't you think it's odd that the author of our "Life in Community" column has lived alone for the last 25 years in a one-room apartment in Newark, and only goes out to buy TV Guide and a lottery ticket?