By now you're probably pretty tired of reading about money and
politics, and all the other serious stuff we've packed into this
thought-provoking 100-page issue. You've read every word and you're
wondering where the year went, hah hah! And stop that yawning
out there. Admit it: You needed
to read dozens of pages on this important topic. We only did this because you haven't been paying attention. (Note to people who normally read "H'rumphs" before the other parts of the magazine: This is the first page of the rest of your life.)
Not that this issue is long, but by the time you finish reading it "Star Trek XXIV: The Final Hairpiece" will be in the theaters. (Chekhov, banging on the bathroom door: "Captain, hurry! The Klingons are attacking!!" Capt. Kirk: "Hey, I've got my own problems in here. Say, have you seen my Maalox?")
But seriously, our democracy is being held hostage by the powers of wealth. Our nation is no longer truly free, and it's time we do something about it! So we put out this really long issue. We've done our part. The rest is up to you.
(Please note: Sojourners
will continue to provide in-depth coverage of the important subjects that directly affect the lives of our readers. Next issue: the electoral college.)
HISTORIC FIRST: A COLOR SUBHEAD
Since this is a special issue, we decided to have color on the inside pages, something we've never done before because it is too expensive. Unfortunately, we still couldn't do it, because it is too expensive. So I decided to hand-color each copy of the magazine. It's a tedious job, and it is taking a while. Fortunately, I finished yours first.
IF JESUS CAME BACK TODAY, WOULD HE OPEN A CHECKING ACCOUNT OR A SAVINGS ACCOUNT?
The Christian Coalition recently hosted the "Road To Victory"
conference in Washington, D.C. The purpose of the conference was
to see which Republican presidential candidate was the most Christlike.
Turns out they all
One after another, Phil Gramm, Pat Buchanan, Alan Keyes, Bob Dornan, and Bob Dole each spoke of their similarity with the risen Lord, and reminded us that Jesus (and this may come as a surprise to a few of you) was probably a banker.
And that wasn't the only helpful revelation that came out of the conference. We can't confirm this (since we made it up), but the keynote speech at the conference was titled "Why Jesus Shouldn't Have Fed the 5,000."
Apparently, biblical scholars funded exclusively by the Christian Coalition now feel that, for their own good, the 5,000 should have worked for that food instead of depending on an overly generous Messiah. Scholars are convinced that the disciples-the first shareholders in the kingdom of God, if you will-probably tried to stop Jesus from creating a culture of welfare among his followers. "Oh sure, Master. Today you feed 5,000, then what? Feed 10,000 tomorrow? Look, just give the kid back his lunch, make your speech, and let's get out of here. (Hey kid, you gonna eat all them loaves?)"
AND SPEAKING OF PAT ROBERTSON...
If you're tired of the usual trash that comes from television,
refresh yourselves with some wholesome, family-values TV. And
who better to decide what that should be than Pat Robertson, the
owner of The Family Channel, which shows Guns of Paradise
five nights a week.
WE LIKE IKE
The people of this country are fed up with politics as usual,
which is why a lot of them like Ross Perot, who is very unusual.
They also like Colin Powell, the latest entry in the Mario Cuomo
sound-alike contest. Like Cuomo, Powell will probably end his
flirtation with public office and take what I like to call the
"Tylenol exit": He'll become a non-aspirant. Ba dum
But the press loves Powell, and much of the electorate feels he
has that certain je ne sais quoi,
that joie de vivre
, that qu'el-the-heck-does-he-stand-for.
All we really know about him is that he was one of the two guys
that gave press conferences during the Persian Gulf war. (He was
the one who didn't
foam at the mouth.)
Critics claim that Powell has few qualifications for the top post
and predict that, if elected, he would be "weak and feckless."
In contrast, we here at Sojourners
feel he has plenty of feck for the job. I personally think he has more than enough feck, and would make a good candidate. If you agree and would like to support his candidacy, I would be happy to pass along any contributions you'd like to make. I've heard he prefers cash.
WORDS OF WISDOM FROM SEN. PACKWOOD'S DIARY: FOURTH IN A SERIES
THE FOLLOWING IS ABSOLUTELY TRUE
If you have cable television (what? you don't
have cable?!), you may have seen the recent Larry King show with North Carolina Sen. Jesse "Why Can't We All Just Get Along" Helms. A caller complimented the senator by saying, "You should get a Nobel Peace Prize for keeping down the [six-letter racial slur, plural
] for all these years."
Sen. Helms replied, "Thank you."
Can you think of another person sleazier than Jesse Helms? (No fair saying Bob Packwood). Discuss.