On the heels of President Barack Obama's surprise visit to the troops in Afghanistan on Sunday, Vice President Joseph Biden and former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin revealed a surprise of their own: The announcement that they had jointly negotiated a comprehensive peace treaty with the Taliban and the al-Qaeda terrorist network led by Osama Bin Laden.
After a tense and embarrassing trip to Israel and Palestine earlier in March, a frustrated Biden teamed up with Palin, equally embittered after the passage of the Democrats' health-care bill. Embarking on a diplomatic double-down, the duo dropped by parachute near the Pakistani border with elite Delta Force units. On foot, Biden and Palin then continued their mission without escort, spending days penetrating deep into tribal lands, surviving with the aid of villagers as they learned local dialects with fluency and wit. After making contact with insurgent leaders, the two proceeded to win their trust and favor in flawless idiomatic Arabic and Pashto -- at times even translating between rival militant groups of foreign and local fighters.
"It's the kind of eyeball-to-eyeball human intelligence you can't gather with remote control Predator drones, ya know," boasted Palin.
"Or as they say in Waziristan," added Biden, "'The eggs of the robotic death-bird make poor omlettes.'"
"...It's funnier in the Waziri dialect of Pashto because it's a pun."
With Biden's expert Koranic exegesis and Palin's firm but sensitive interpretation of Islamic shame/honor codes, the team was able to convince the assembled militants that joining the global capitalist economic order would both please Allah, the merciful, the compassionate, as well as cut down on their chronic sand flea beard infestations.
As a result, both the Taliban and al-Qaeda have agreed to complete and total disarmament in exchange for a laundry list of amenities common in most advanced industrialized Western nations including a 52-inch flat-screen TV, lifetime Netflix subscription, a Nintendo Wii with Guitar Hero III: Legends of Rock, a complete set of DeWalt power tools, a stainless steel Viking Ultra-Premium gas grill, and universal single-payer health care. Palin put up a bit of fuss on the latter, but was ultimately convinced that as long as it wasn't benefiting Americans, she could live with it.
Though these may seem like luxuries to Americans struggling in the midst of an economic crisis, the total cost of providing these and additional items for each and every member of the Taliban and al-Qaeda's global terror network is less than half the annual cost of the war in Afghanistan. By bipartisan agreement, the savings will go toward paying the interest on our national debt. For a week.
Asked how two unarmed and heretofore rhetorically reckless politicians had accomplished what neither the Bush Global War on Terror nor the Obama Global Contingency Operation ever could, a bemused Bin Laden said, "What can I say, Biden has a way with words, and when it comes to transcending political differences for the common good, you can't beat Palin."
"...Also, they promised that we could have many very nice things. Though I really am not happy with this iPad. What's the point of a giant iPhone that can't do simple multitasking like read emails and listen to music at the same time? I can't even watch Hulu on it. It's the only way I can keep up on Lost and 30 Rock in my cave. That Tracey Morgan is hilarious. But no really, thanks anyway."
At a joint press conference with the triumphant Biden, President Obama was peppered with similar questions: How could the notoriously gaffe-prone veep -- who was seen just weeks prior on Face the Nation bragging how his administration was killing more terrorists than Cheney -- help to end the bloodshed of the most intense global conflict of recent history assisted by a Tea Party advocate? How did it feel to be upstaged by these erstwhile comic foils? Had Obama coached his vice president in what to say?
"Nope. No coaching from me," said Obama tersely. "But I've always said he was so articulate."